Suits, Pricked Thubs, and Eggnog with Rum
by Irrepressable
Summary: The Doctor is forced to spend Christmas at the Hernandez-Patil household. While he endures insults, banter, and American beverage, he discovers a surprise connection between himself and the events of 24 December, 1984.


**Hello, fair readers! It's me, back at last! I know that it's been a while since I've written anything Parrotverse and I promise you that I will finish Unexpected. I also know that it's a bit late for a Christmas fic, but I didn't really have time to write this until recently. As it were, I think you're all deserving of some Twelve-Amelia Hernandez bonding.**

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Are you sure that I have to spend Christmas _here_?" the Doctor groaned. He didn't whine. Time Lords don't whine.

"I trust Amelia to watch over you." Clara said, balancing her two-year-old son on her hip. "You have a _history_ with Christmases and regeneration."

"I don't regenerate _every_ Christmas!" the Doctor huffed.

"Well, regardless, I don't think Linda will let me hear the end of it if I bring you. I think you recall what happened on John's first Christmas." Clara replied.

"All I did was provide alcohol." the Doctor said defensively. "The whole strip poker thing was your grandmother's idea. On the bright side, she and her three friends had a Christmas they won't soon forget."

"Linda walked in on Gran in her knickers!" Clara argued. "She had to get therapy for that, you know!"

"She is what the kids on the internet refer to as," The Doctor used air quotes. "a 'drama llama.'"

"That is true." Clara greed. "However, it might be the best idea for you to not visit my family over Chrismas."

"Fiiiine!" the Doctor groaned.

"Good." Clara smiled. "I knew you'd see it my way."

The Doctor grumbled under his breath as she knocked on the front door of the house. Pavarti's great-uncle had left Amelia and Pavarti the house when he died about six months back. Clara hadn't seen the inside for a while. Back then, it was still full of boxes. The door opened, revealing a smiling Amelia Hernandez in a truly hideous jumper with a depiction of a Christmas tree and the words 'BE MERRY' decorated in little LED lights. " _Feliz Navidad_ , Chickie!" Her face fell when she saw the Doctor. "Oh. You're here, too. I didn't expect you to actually show up."

"Merry Christmas, Amelia." Clara said with a smile. "I made sure that he showed up."

"What are you two talking about?" the Doctor asked.

"Clara told me about the thing with her family and volunteered you to help me with an important project." Amelia replied. "It's something that has to be done by New Year's Eve."

The Doctor looked at his partner with a pleading expression. "Please tell me that I won't be here _that_ long!"

Clara snickered. "Doctor, I'll be back for you in a few days. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Two words." the Doctor replied. "Skull fracture."

"You're still sore about that?" Amelia groaned. "I didn't hit you _that_ hard!"

"Doctor, I'm not sure that anyone can fracture a skull as thick as yours." Clara said cheekily.

"Oh, ha ha." the Doctor snarked. "Let's all make fun of my thick skull. I'll have you know, my skull is perfectly normal for a Ti- someone like me!"

"Anyway," Clara said, "I'm going to leave you two. Behave." She looked at her son. "Say goodbye to Daddy, John!"

John waved and in his little toddler's voice, he said, "Bye bye, Doctor."

With that said, Clara waved as well before heading off. A few minutes later, the Doctor could hear the TARDIS dematerializing off in the distance. Honestly, sometimes he almost regretted teaching Clara how to fly that thing. Amelia stepped aside and said, "Come on in, Doctor."

The Time Lord stepped into the house and was immediately greeted with the scent of many delicious things, most likely sweet edibles. He felt his mouth begin to water. He then felt someone poking his arm. "Shoes off, Doctor." Amelia instructed. "Everybody does it. Just because you're fucking my friend doesn't mean that you'll get away with tracking dirt in."

"Language!" the Doctor scolded, but nonetheless he removed his boots and set them next to everyone else's shoes and followed Amanda into the room with the cozy sitting furniture and a nice telly.

"Whatever." Amelia rolled her eyes. She then began to head to the kitchen. "Want some Eggnog, Doctor? I made it myself."

"Homemade eggnog?" the Doctor questioned.

"Yep." Amelia replied. "Old Rojas family recipe. Well, it was actually stolen from a _Better Homes & Gardens_ magazine twenty-five years ago. It's old enough."

"I thought your surname was Hernandez." the Doctor seemed puzzled.

"Well, my mother's surname was Rojas." Amelia explained as she returned with two mugs of eggnog. "Mom gave me my father's surname."

The Doctor sat down on a couch and took a sip of the eggnog. It was warm. Was it supposed to be warm? He'd had eggnog in America once. It was cold then. Apparently, Amelia was able to see the puzzled expression on his face. "Mom always served the first batch warm." she explained. "The stuff with the rum in it is in the refrigerator."

"I can't help but wonder," the Doctor inquired. "Since your family is from Mexico, do you celebrate any sort of Mexican Christmas traditions?"

Amelia frowned. "Since Mom was gone, it... it's not the same. Changing the subject, I'll let you finish your eggnog before I get everything out."

"Get what out?" The Doctor asked.

"Finish your eggnog and you'll see." Amelia replied.

The American woman then hurried off. Over the next ten minutes, the Doctor drank his eggnog. Mmm. Cinnamon! When Amelia returned, she had a variety of supplies, including a tailor's tape measurer. "All right, take your hoodie off." the Chicagoan instructed.

"Wait, what?" the Doctor blurted. "You're married! You can't do this!"

Amelia rolled her eyes and said, "Don't flatter yourself, Doctor. Besides, I'm not interested in your dick. I'm allergic."

"Why do you want me to take my clothes off, then?" the Doctor asked, clearly suspicious.

"I need your body as a mannequin." Amelia replied. "Just take your hoodie off. I won't laugh or take a picture. Besides, Clara told us both to behave."

"Fine." the Doctor grumbled before taking his hoodie off. He started taking his shirt off, but Amelia stopped him.

"You can leave the rest of your clothes on." Amelia instructed. "Now, stand up. Feet shoulder-width apart. I'm going to measure you for my suit."

The Doctor quickly moved into position. Amelia let out an annoyed sigh. He almost jumped when she corrected his position. "There." the Chicagoan said. "Let's get this started."

As the woman started measuring his shoulder width, the Time Lord asked, "Why do you need me for this, anyway?"

"We have the same body type." Amelia replied.

"Same body type?" the Doctor echoed.

"Yep." Amelia said. "Six feet tall, hardly any curves, thin as a broom, no breasts to speak of, knobby knees, and legs that go on forever."

"My legs aren't _that_ long!" the Doctor huffed.

"Doctor, your legs make a horse's look stubby." Amelia deadpanned.

"By your standards, so would your legs." the Doctor replied. "Not to mention the knobby knees."

"Again, not denying the knees bit." Amelia said. "Raise both arms."

The Doctor obeyed. While the Chicagoan was measuring his chest, he asked, "What do you need a suit for, anyway?"

"The London Professional Violinists' Association has invited me to their New Year's party." Amelia replied. "I'm not wearing a skirt like I wore the last time I was at a New Year's party. Or heels. Especially heels."

"Clara wears heels." the Doctor pointed out.

"Yes, well, I'm already taller than most of the men in the London Professional Volinists' Association and I don't want them to kick me out for ruining pictures with my height and freakishly long legs." Amelia said with a frown. "Men are so insecure."

"Not denying that." the Doctor said.

"I mean it." Amelia groused. "I mean, what do those fuckers think-"

"Language." the Doctor scolded.

"-What do those buttheads think will happen if they're in the room with a tall woman?" Amelia complained. "Are they afraid that my height will somehow make their penises smaller?"

The Doctor snorted. "The likelihood of that happening is about the same as me snogging Clara's step-mother."

"I don't blame you there, Doctor." Amelia said. "Keep your arms out. Anyway, I've met the woman. She probably tastes like cigarettes and valium. I don't know how Mr. Oswald does it."

"I don't think she's a smoker." the Doctor replied. "Not tobacco or otherwise."

"Shame." Amelia said as she measured the Doctor's arms. "Like I said, I've met the woman. She could probably use a certain _herbal infusion_. The woman needs to take it easy."

"You're referring to marijuana, aren't you?" the Doctor asked.

"Possibly." Amelia replied. "Possibly not. You will never know."

"Don't tell me that you're into that stuff!" the Doctor groaned.

"I didn't inhale." Amelia said. "Though there was that one time in high school when Lisa brought these brownies to school. The teacher thought she was thoughtful and everyone got some, except for me because I'm allergic to walnuts. Anyway, there was weed in the brownies and everyone in class got higher than a kite."

"That sounds horrific." the Doctor commented as the woman switched from his right arm to his left.

"It was." Amelia said before smirking. "It was kind of funny, too. I laughed before Lisa, so I got blamed. She was the one who brought the brownies, but Principal Weissman suspected me anyway because he was a total raci-" She noticed the impatient look that the older man was giving her. "Anyway, the situation was resolved. Lisa got expelled for that little stunt. Weissman never apologized, the fucking cunt."

"Language!" the Doctor barked.

"Whatever." Amelia sighed. "Hold still. I'm going to have to measure your neck."

"You have to promise not to strangle me." the Doctor said.

"No promises there, _Viejo_." Amelia said cheekily.

The Doctor rolled his eyes and allowed the American to measure him where the collar of a shirt would be. She then began to lower her hands. "I thought you said you were allergic!" the Doctor yelped.

"Calm down, _pendejo_!" Amelia snapped. "I'm just measuring your hips. It's not the way I'd like to spend my Christmas Eve, either."

"I've had worst Christmases." the Doctor commented as he was measured.

"1984 was the best Christmas my mother ever had, or so she claimed." Amelia said.

"What happened in 1984?" the Doctor asked.

"Well, she was on a bus heading to Texas. She wanted to come to America to find her dad." Amelia explained. "She was pregnant me at the time, practically ready to pop."

"Why was she travelling if she was that heavily pregnant?" the Doctor asked.

"Well, if you're a pregnant sixteen-year-old, wouldn't you want to be around family?" Amelia asked. "Anyway, she was on the bus when she met this nice girl. I think she said her name was Susan Foreman. She said that she had gotten separated from her grandfather."

The Doctor's brows achieved lift-off but he quietly let Amelia continue her story. She began measuring around the man's waist. "The bus went off the road and crashed. They were the only survivors, surprisingly unharmed. They didn't know how far they were from the border. My mom didn't know it, but she had bad preeclampsia. You know what that means, don't you?"

The Doctor nodded. Amelia measured the Time Lord's outseam and kept telling her story. "Anyway, it was getting really bad, but she didn't know it. She and Susan just had to keep following the stars, though Susan seemed to know more about following the stars than my mom did. My mom was starting to get light-headed when she saw this blue box-like thing off in the distance. She said that her grandfather was over there and she started heading over with my mom."

The Doctor's mouth fell open, which had very little to do with Amelia measuring his inseam. He quickly shut his mouth. It was all coming back to him now. He even remembered the pregnant teen's name. "My mom reached the box and then she passed out and had a seizure. The last thing she remembered was a weird grinding noise. The next thing she knew, she was in a hospital in Texas. On the 25th of December, 1984 at 12:43 AM, she had a baby girl via c-section."

Amelia stood up and finished. "That's the story of how I was born. We're done measuring."

The Doctor nodded. He swallowed silently and said, "It's interesting to hear about your mother and this Susan girl. For the first time. Because I've never met anyone named Benita Rojas or Susan Foreman."

"How did you know that my mom's name was Benita?" Amelia asked, raising a brow.

"Clara told me." the Doctor lied.

Amelia shrugged and said, "Well, I suppose she would know."

The sound of the oven timer went off in the kitchen. "Gotta get that." Amelia said. "The chicken is ready."

"Why not turkey?" the Doctor asked.

"There's just the two of us, Doctor." Amelia groaned. "Do try to keep up!"

The Doctor followed Amelia into the kitchen and watched her take out a pan with a golden brown chicken and some delectable-smelling vegetables. "Gravy granules are in the cupboard." Amelia supplied as she checked the potatoes in the pot. "You can handle that, right?"

"Of course I can!" the Doctor sniffed.

"Good." Amelia said. "You take care of the gravy, I'll take care of the mash."

The two cooked in tandem, neither really getting in the other's way. Eventually, everything was ready so the two took the food to the dining room table. The Doctor noticed that one of the things that Amelia had brought out was some wonderful-smelling rice pudding. They served up their plates and did a mixture of bantering and arguing as they ate their meal. "-Then I took an arrow in the knee." the Doctor finished.

"That really happened to you?" Amelia questioned.

"That's why I never hang around archery clubs frequented by teenagers." the Doctor said. "Arrow ricochet is a real problem. I don't know how they do it, but it happened."

"That's nuts." Amelia said. "I kind of know the feeling. I got shot once, too."

"You've been shot?" the Doctor questioned.

"Yep." Amelia replied.

She pulled aside her shirt to show a scar on her shoulder, one that the Doctor immediately recognised as having come from a bullet. "What the hell happened?" the Time Lord asked, sounding somewhat alarmed.

"Crazy ex-girlfriend," Amelia replied. "with a crazier dad. She shot me, got arrested, went to jail. Her dad started putting dead fish in my mailbox and I'm pretty sure that he poisoned my cat, though I could never prove that it was him."

"That's unfortunate." The Doctor grimaced.

"Yeah, well, I'm a happy thirty-something-year-old now and I have a good career and I'm in decent health." Amelia said. She then raised her mug of eggnog with rum. "To our health!"

The Doctor raised his glass. "Cheers."

ooooooooooooooooo

Over the next few days, Amelia used the Doctor as a mannequin to construct her suit. On the twenty-seventh of December, Clara returned and the suit was finished. "I trust that you two have behaved." the petite brunette said with a smile.

"Nope." Amelia replied. "We killed each other. It's a bloody mess inside. Total slaughter. You're talking to our ghosts right now."

Clara rolled her eyes. "You're not as funny as you think you are, Hernandez."

"You're right." Amelia grinned. "I'm funnier."

"Funny-looking!" Clara shot back.

Amelia stuck her tongue out at her friend. Clara returned the gesture. The Doctor rolled his eyes with a melodramatic sigh. "Can we go now?"

"Tired of me already?" Amelia asked with an amused look on her face.

"Yes." the Doctor replied. "Your eggnog with rum wasn't _that_ good that it would make me stay."

"Fiiiine!" Amelia groaned. "Have a nice day, you two!"

"See you later, Amelia!" Clara called out as she left.

" _Adios_ , Chickie!" Amelia responded as the duo walked away.

When the Doctor shoved his hands into his pockets, he felt something there. He pulled out a box. On it was a tag that read 'To The Doctor". He looked at Clara, who looked back at him and smiled. "I think I know who it's from. Open it!"

The Doctor carefully unwrapped the box before opening it. Inside was a little snow globe with a silhouette of the Chicago skyline in it. He turned it over and saw a note on the bottom. He let out a chuckle as he read the two words out loud. " _Feliz Navidad_."


End file.
